Understanding the other person is the act of temporarily suspending your own judgement to access the reasons, emotions and needs that explain someone else's behaviour — without justifying, approving or tolerating that behaviour. It is a form of deep emotional intelligence that, paradoxically, does not change the other person but transforms the one who understands: it frees them from the burden of resentment and restores their inner peace. This idea — understanding brings peace — is the philosophical pillar of LetsShine.app and connects with traditions ranging from Carl Rogers' humanistic psychology to Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication.
| Understanding is... | Understanding is NOT... |
|---|---|
| Seeking the reasons behind the behaviour | Approving the behaviour |
| Recognising the suffering behind the act | Denying the harm you received |
| Broadening your own perspective | Losing your own perspective |
| Choosing peace over being right | Passively resigning yourself |
| An act of emotional intelligence | An act of weakness |
Neuroscience offers a concrete answer: when we do not understand a behaviour that hurts us, the brain classifies it as an "unpredictable threat", and the amygdala remains on permanent alert. Resentment — that sensation of replaying an offence over and over — is literally the brain trying to predict the next threat.
When you understand why the other person acted that way — their history, their fear, their unmet need — the threat ceases to be unpredictable. Your brain says: "Now I understand. I can lower my guard." That is peace.
Daniel Goleman explains it from the emotional intelligence perspective: "Empathy does not ask us to agree; it asks us to understand." And it is in understanding, not in agreement, that we find serenity.
At LetsShine.app we use the concept of emotional archaeology to describe the process of excavating personal history — yours and theirs — to understand why we act the way we do. When your partner reacts with disproportionate anger at an innocent comment, the reaction is rarely about the present: it is an echo of an old wound.
Marshall Rosenberg put it this way: "Behind every behaviour there is a need." Your partner's anger may be the expression of a need for respect that was never met in childhood. Your mother's distrust may stem from an abandonment that was never named. Your father's coldness may be the only way he learned to protect himself from pain.
Understanding this does not erase the harm. But it recontextualises it. And contextualised harm hurts less than senseless harm.
When someone hurts you, resist the urge to label: "he's selfish", "she's controlling". Labels close the door to understanding. Instead, ask yourself: "What might they be feeling to act this way?"
John Gottman discovered that in happy couples, both partners know each other's story deeply: their fears, their dreams, their childhood wounds. That "love map" — as Gottman calls it — is the foundation of understanding. You cannot understand someone whose story you do not know.
Exercise: Ask your partner or family member: "What is the hardest memory from your childhood?" And listen. Just listen.
Rosenberg offers a concrete tool: when the other person says something hurtful, translate it into a need.
When you see the need, you stop seeing an attack. And when you stop seeing an attack, you stop defending yourself.
Brené Brown insists: understanding why someone acts destructively does not oblige you to accept that behaviour. You can say: "I understand that your childhood was difficult and that you learned to shout when you feel threatened. And I also need us to learn another way to resolve this together." Understanding AND a boundary. Not understanding OR a boundary.
This is the hardest question. And the answer is counter-cultural: understanding is not a strategy to change the other person. It is a strategy to free yourself.
When you understand why your father never expressed love, you stop waiting for something he cannot give. When you understand why your partner shuts down, you stop taking it as a personal rejection. When you understand why your friend disappeared, you stop feeding resentment.
It does not change reality. It changes your relationship with that reality. And that is peace.
Gary Chapman puts it simply: "Hurt people hurt people." Understanding the other person's wound does not oblige you to stay in the line of fire. But it does allow you to leave — if you choose to leave — without hatred.
Quite the opposite. Understanding requires more strength than judging. Judging is fast, automatic and protective. Understanding is slow, deliberate and vulnerable. It requires opening yourself to a perspective that may challenge your certainties.
Brené Brown demonstrated in her research that the most resilient people are not the toughest but those with the greatest capacity for empathy and understanding. Vulnerability, far from being weakness, is the origin of the deepest human connection.
No. Understanding is recognising that from their perspective, their history and their wounds, their behaviour has an emotional logic. That does not mean their behaviour is acceptable or that you must tolerate it. You can understand and, at the same time, set firm boundaries.
Start by separating the person from their behaviour. Ask yourself what unmet need or wound might explain their actions. Rosenberg proposed: "What pain is so great in this person that they act this way?" Understanding does not erase the harm, but it frees you from the weight of resentment.
Yes. Understanding and forgiving are separate processes. You can understand why someone acted the way they did and still decide you do not want that person in your life. Understanding is an act of intelligence; forgiveness is an act of emotional liberation. They can go together or stand apart.
At LetsShine.app, the AI is designed to help you practise emotional archaeology: exploring the deep reasons behind behaviours — yours and others' — identifying unmet needs and transforming judgement into understanding. It is not about justifying the other person, but understanding them enough to reclaim your inner peace.
Yes, though it does not always save the relationship. Gottman found that couples who develop deep "love maps" — detailed knowledge of each other's history and inner world — have a significantly higher probability of surviving crises. Understanding does not guarantee the relationship will survive, but it does guarantee that, whether it survives or not, both people come out with fewer scars.
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