Grief: The Stages, the Myths and How to Walk Through It

Grief is the psychological, emotional and bodily process of adapting to a significant loss. Although culturally associated with the death of a loved one, grief can arise from any loss: a break-up, the loss of a job, a chronic illness, a miscarriage, moving to another country, the end of a life stage. Anything that meant something to you and is no longer there can trigger a legitimate grieving process.

Important notice: This article is for informational purposes only. If you need professional help, please consult a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you are in crisis, call a helpline (988 in the US, 116 123 in the UK).

Quick Summary

What Are the Stages of Grief?

Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross proposed in 1969 five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This model was revolutionary, but subsequent research has significantly nuanced its original interpretation.

What Kuebler-Ross Got Right:

• Identifying that grief has distinct emotional components.
• Making visible that anger and "bargaining" are normal responses, not pathological ones.
• Opening the door to talking about grief as a process, not an event.

What Research Has Corrected:

• The stages are not sequential. You do not pass from one to the next in order. You can be in "acceptance" in the morning and in "anger" at night.
• Not everyone experiences all stages. Some people never feel anger; others do not go through denial.
• There is no definitive "final stage." Acceptance is not a destination you reach and stay at; it is a state that fluctuates.

Bessel van der Kolk adds that grief is not only a cognitive and emotional process — it is a bodily process. The body loses the other person: their scent, their warmth, their physical presence. This is why grief hurts physically — chest pain, a lump in the throat, extreme exhaustion.

What Are the Most Harmful Myths About Grief?

Myth 1: "You Have to Be Strong"

Strength is not containing pain; it is allowing yourself to feel it. Viktor Frankl, who lost his wife, parents and brother in the concentration camps, did not preach "strength" as suppression of pain. He wrote that "suffering ceases to be suffering the moment it finds a meaning," but he clarified that finding meaning does not mean denying pain.

Myth 2: "Time Heals"

Time alone does not heal. What heals is what you do with that time: process, cry, talk, remember, build new meaning. Avoided grief does not resolve; it festers.

Myth 3: "If You Cry Too Much, You Are Not Moving Forward"

Crying is a physiological regulation mechanism: emotional tears contain cortisol and stress hormones. Literally, crying releases tension. Jon Kabat-Zinn notes that allowing yourself to cry with full presence is a form of mindfulness in itself.

Myth 4: "You Have to Go Through the Stages in Order"

As we have seen, grief is not linear. The Dual Process Model of Stroebe and Schut (1999) describes grief as an oscillation between two poles: loss orientation (crying, remembering, feeling pain) and restoration orientation (resuming activities, reorganising life, finding new meanings). Both are necessary.

Myth 5: "After X Months You Should Be Better"

There is no timetable for pain. Every person, every loss and every context is different. Pressuring someone to "get over" their grief according to a schedule is emotional violence disguised as concern.

How to Walk Through Grief in a Healthy Way

Allow Yourself to Feel

Kristin Neff proposes three self-compassion steps for grief:

1. Mindfulness: recognise the pain without minimising it. "This hurts, and it is normal that it hurts."
2. Common humanity: "Other people have felt this pain. I am not alone in this."
3. Kindness toward yourself: "What do I need right now? Rest? To cry? Company?"

Talk About the Person (or the Loss)

In many cultures people avoid mentioning the deceased to "spare" the grieving person. But research shows that talking, remembering and narrating the story of the bond facilitates integration of the loss. If your social circle avoids the topic, seek spaces where you can talk: a grief support group, a therapist, or support tools like LetsShine.app, which are available when you need to put words to what you feel, especially during those early hours when pain intensifies and there is nobody to call.

Look After Your Body

Paul Gilbert reminds us that grief is a state of high physiological activation that exhausts bodily resources. Eating properly, moving gently and sleeping as much as possible are not luxuries — they are survival necessities during grief.

Do Not Isolate, but Choose Your Company Well

You do not need to be surrounded by people all the time, but you do need at least one person who does not try to fix your pain but simply holds it with you.

Allow Setbacks

One day you feel better; the next, a song takes you right back to the beginning. This is entirely normal. Grief does not advance in a straight line; it advances in a spiral.

When Does Grief Need Professional Help?

The DSM-5-TR recognises "Prolonged Grief Disorder" as a clinical diagnosis when:

• More than 12 months have passed since the loss (6 in children).
• The intensity of the grief has not significantly diminished.
• There is persistent preoccupation with the deceased or with the circumstances of death.
• At least 3 of these symptoms: disbelief, intense emotional pain, feeling that a part of oneself has died, marked loneliness, difficulty reintegrating into life.
• The distress causes significant deterioration in social, occupational or personal functioning.

If you recognise yourself in this description, seeking help is not weakness — it is the bravest decision you can make.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do you grieve after a break-up? Yes. The break-up of a significant relationship involves the loss of a life project, a shared identity and a source of affection. Grief after a break-up is legitimate and can be as intense as grief after a death.

Do children grieve? Yes, but they express it differently: behavioural changes, regressions, somatisations, repetitive questions. They need honest, age-appropriate explanations and a great deal of emotional presence.

Can I feel relief when someone dies? Yes, especially if the person suffered a long illness. Relief and pain can coexist. Feeling relief does not mean you did not love them — it means that the suffering (theirs and yours) has ended.

How to support someone who is grieving? Do not say "I know how you feel" (you do not). Do not say "they are in a better place" (it does not help). Say "I am here" and follow through. Offer concrete help: "I will bring you groceries," "I will stay with you tonight." And above all, do not disappear after the funeral — grief begins when everyone else leaves.

Is there a "normal" timeframe for grief? There is no universal timeframe. Every process is unique. What matters is not how long it lasts but whether it evolves. If after months you are exactly the same as at the beginning with no change at all, it is worth seeking professional support.