My Partner Doesn't Want to Get Married: Is It a Red Flag?

The refusal to marry by one member of a couple is one of the most frequent — and most misunderstood — sources of relational conflict. In many Western countries, marriage rates have been declining for decades while cohabitation rates climb steadily. Not wanting to get married does not automatically mean not wanting to commit: the distance between those two concepts is the terrain where misunderstandings are born.

What Does Attachment Theory Tell Us About Refusing Marriage?

John Bowlby and, more recently, Sue Johnson (creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy) have demonstrated that our attachment style profoundly influences how we relate to formal commitment. Research by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver (Attachment in Adulthood, 2007) identifies three patterns:

• Secure attachment: the person can commit without marriage causing anxiety, but they also don't need it as proof of love. If they don't want to marry, they usually articulate clear and coherent reasons.
• Avoidant attachment: formal commitment activates the threat system. Marriage is perceived as a "trap" that limits autonomy. These people can love deeply and still freeze at the idea of signing a lifelong contract.
• Anxious attachment: paradoxically, some people with anxious attachment reject marriage out of fear of future abandonment. "If we don't marry, it will hurt less if they leave" is an unconscious but documented reasoning.

Understanding which attachment style predominates in your partner — and in you — transforms the conversation from "do you love me or not?" to "what does commitment mean for each of us?"

When IS Not Wanting to Marry Actually a Problem?

It isn't always. But there are signals that deserve attention:

1. The refusal comes with general avoidance: they don't talk about the future, avoid planning more than six months ahead, reject any conversation about cohabitation or children.
2. There is inconsistency: they say they don't believe in marriage but have a history of systematically breaking commitments.
3. The refusal is recent: they were previously open to marriage and have now closed off without explaining what changed.
4. You need marriage and they know it: if getting married is a core value for you and your partner dismisses it without negotiation, there is an expectation mismatch that will not resolve on its own.

On the other hand, if your partner doesn't want to marry but does want to live together, plan long-term, share finances, and build a life project with you, what they are rejecting is the institution, not the commitment.

What Does Research Say About Unmarried Couples and Satisfaction?

A meta-analysis published in Journal of Marriage and Family (Kamp Dush, 2013) reviewed 33 studies and found that cohabiting couples who had committed to each other — even without a certificate — showed satisfaction and stability levels similar to marriages. The key difference was not the paper but the intentionality of the commitment.

Many legal systems now offer domestic partnership frameworks that protect inheritance, tax, and custody rights without requiring marriage. Not marrying does not mean being unprotected if the right steps are taken.

How to Talk About This Without It Turning Into a Fight

The key, according to therapist Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003), is to separate the what from the why:

• Don't ask: "Why don't you want to marry me?" (sounds like an accusation).
• Do ask: "What does marriage mean to you? And what does commitment mean?" (opens space for exploration).

Gottman recommends what he calls "the dream within the conflict": behind every rigid position there is a dream, a fear, or a fundamental value. If your partner doesn't want to marry, what dream are they protecting with that stance? Freedom? Financial security? Avoiding the pain of a divorce they witnessed as a child?

Tools like LetsShine.app can facilitate these difficult conversations in a neutral environment where both of you can explore what lies beneath the position without feeling attacked.

What if We Still Disagree After Talking?

There are three honest paths:

1. Creative compromise: a symbolic ceremony without civil registration, a private legal agreement, a domestic partnership. Marriage is not binary.
2. Conscious waiting: agree on a timeframe to re-evaluate, with the condition that both of you work on the underlying fears (alone or with professional support).
3. Accepting incompatibility: if getting married is non-negotiable for one and not marrying is non-negotiable for the other, that difference in values deserves respect. Not every disagreement has a solution within the relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for my partner not to want to marry after many years together? Yes. Time spent living together does not automatically create the desire to formalise. What matters is whether a shared project exists, not a certificate.

Should I give them an ultimatum? Ultimatums rarely work because they generate resentment. It is more effective to express your need clearly: "For me, getting married is important because it represents X. I need to know if it's something you can consider."

Does their refusal mean they don't love me enough? Not necessarily. Attachment research shows that rejecting marriage can coexist with deep love. What matters is whether there is real commitment in daily practice.

Can I work through my frustration without pressuring my partner? Yes, and it is highly recommended. LetsShine.app offers a space where you can explore your emotions — frustration, fear of abandonment, need for security — without that directly landing on your partner as pressure.