An open relationship is an explicit agreement between two people who maintain a primary romantic bond while allowing — under negotiated rules — one or both partners to establish sexual, emotional, or combined connections with other people. Unlike infidelity, an open relationship is built on transparency, mutual consent, and ongoing communication. Belgian therapist Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity (2006) and The State of Affairs (2017), has argued that monogamy is not the only valid architecture of desire and that what matters is not the format but the ethical quality of the agreement.
| Aspect | Monogamy | Open relationship | Polyamory |
|---|---|---|---|
| Number of romantic bonds | 1 | 1 primary + sexual contacts | Multiple full bonds |
| Sexual exclusivity | Yes | No (negotiated) | No |
| Emotional exclusivity | Yes | Generally yes | No |
| Explicit agreement | Implicit or explicit | Always explicit | Always explicit |
| Communication required | High | Very high | Very high |
A study published in The Journal of Sex Research (Rubel & Bogaert, 2015) analysed over 2,000 participants and concluded that people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships reported relationship satisfaction levels comparable to those of monogamous couples — provided there was a clear agreement and honest communication. Terri Conley, a researcher at the University of Michigan, has replicated these findings across multiple samples, dismantling the myth that non-monogamy automatically means instability.
Esther Perel adds nuance: "Monogamy is not a natural state; it is a choice that requires as much effort as any other." For Perel, the problem is not the format but the absence of honest conversation about desire, expectations, and boundaries. Many monogamous couples never discuss what "fidelity" and "exclusivity" actually mean for each partner.
There is no universal manual, but research by Amy Moors (Chapman University, 2019) identifies the most frequent rules:
The most common failure, according to Perel, is not in the rules themselves but in assuming that once they are agreed upon there is nothing left to discuss. An open relationship demands more communication than monogamy, not less.
Not everything is positive. Clinical psychologist Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door (2014), warns:
Ask yourself these questions with brutal honesty:
If the answer to question 3 is "we are in crisis," openness rarely resolves anything — it usually amplifies. Tools like LetsShine.app can help you build that communicative foundation before making decisions about the format of the relationship.
Closing the relationship is not a failure; it is another renegotiation. Many couples move through phases: monogamy, openness, monogamy again, depending on life circumstances. What matters, as therapist Dossie Easton (The Ethical Slut, 1997) emphasises, is that each transition is made with mutual consent and not as punishment.
If you discover that openness has caused wounds, mediation — with a professional or with AI-powered tools like those offered by LetsShine.app — can facilitate the difficult conversation of "what now?" without it devolving into blame.
Are open relationships and polyamory the same thing? No. An open relationship maintains a primary bond and allows sexual (and sometimes emotional) contacts with others. Polyamory involves multiple simultaneous complete romantic relationships. They are different models under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy.
Do open relationships last less than monogamous ones? Not necessarily. The Rubel and Bogaert (2015) study found no significant differences in duration when the agreement was consensual. What does shorten a relationship is the lack of agreement, regardless of the format.
Is it normal to feel jealous in an open relationship? Completely normal. Jealousy is a human emotion, not proof that the model does not work. The difference is that in CNM, jealousy is named, analysed, and worked through rather than suppressed or allowed to explode.
Can I suggest an open relationship without my partner thinking I no longer love them? You can and should, if that is what you feel. The key is in how you communicate it: from a desire to explore together, not from dissatisfaction. Perel recommends: "Talk about what you want to add, not about what you lack."
What happens if one of us wants to close the relationship? It closes. Consent is continuous, not a blank cheque. If one partner is no longer comfortable, the ethical rule is to return to a format both accept.
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