My Child Hits Other Children: Why It Happens and What to Do

Childhood aggression — hitting, biting, pushing, scratching — is one of the behaviours that most worry and embarrass parents. Watching your child strike another child at the playground triggers a cascade of emotions: guilt ("What am I doing wrong?"), shame ("Everyone is watching me"), fear ("Will they always be like this?"), and even anger ("Why can't they control themselves?"). Yet developmental neuroscience offers a radically different and profoundly reassuring perspective: your child does not hit because they are bad; they hit because their brain does not yet have the tools to manage frustration any other way. Understanding this is not excusing the behaviour — it is comprehending its origin so you can address it effectively.

What It Looks Like vs. What Is Actually Happening

Why Children Hit: The Brain Science

Dr. Dan Siegel explains in The Whole-Brain Child that the prefrontal cortex — the brain region responsible for impulse control, empathy, and reasoned decision-making — does not mature fully until the mid-twenties. In children under five, this area is barely functional under stress. When a toddler is flooded by frustration, their amygdala takes over: this is the fight-or-flight response, and hitting is the "fight" part.

Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, puts it simply: "Kids do well if they can." If your child could manage their frustration with words, they would. They hit because, in that moment, they literally cannot do otherwise.

The role of mirror neurons

Research by Dr. Marco Iacoboni shows that children's brains are wired to imitate what they see. If a child witnesses physical responses to conflict — whether at home, in media, or at school — they are more likely to replicate those responses. This is why modelling calm conflict resolution is so powerful.

The Five-Step Response When Your Child Hits

1. Stop the behaviour immediately but calmly

Physically but gently intervene. Hold the hand, move the body. Janet Lansbury recommends saying in a calm, matter-of-fact tone: "I won't let you hit." Not "don't hit!" (which sounds like a dare to a toddler's brain), but a confident statement of what you will do.

2. Attend to the other child first

This is counterintuitive but important. By attending to the hurt child first, you model empathy and avoid inadvertently rewarding hitting with attention. Once the other child is comforted, return to your child.

3. Validate the emotion behind the behaviour

"You were really angry because she took your toy." This does not condone the hitting — it separates the emotion (valid) from the behaviour (not acceptable). Dr. Dan Siegel calls this "name it to tame it": naming the emotion activates the prefrontal cortex and begins calming the amygdala.

4. State the boundary

"It is not okay to hit. Hitting hurts." Keep it brief. Young children cannot absorb a lecture during emotional flooding.

5. Offer an alternative

"When you feel angry, you can stamp your feet, squeeze this stress ball, or come find me." You are teaching the brain a new pathway. With repetition, this new pathway will eventually become automatic — but it takes time and patience.

Prevention Is More Effective Than Reaction

Most hitting can be prevented by addressing the underlying conditions:

• Tiredness: an overtired child has even less prefrontal cortex function. Protect nap times and bedtimes fiercely.
• Hunger: low blood sugar impairs self-regulation in children just as it does in adults.
• Overstimulation: crowded, noisy environments overwhelm developing nervous systems. Build in quiet time.
• Lack of connection: Dr. Gordon Neufeld, in Hold On to Your Kids, argues that children who feel securely attached are far less likely to act out aggressively because their need for proximity is met.

When to Seek Professional Help

Occasional hitting in children under five is developmentally normal. However, consider seeking support from a paediatric psychologist if:

• The hitting intensifies rather than decreasing over time.
• It continues regularly past age five or six.
• It is accompanied by other concerning behaviours (cruelty to animals, persistent defiance, extreme reactions to minor triggers).
• Your child seems unable to show remorse or empathy even after calming down.

These do not necessarily indicate a serious problem, but a professional assessment can provide peace of mind and tailored strategies.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I make my child apologise? Forced apologies teach social performance, not genuine empathy. Instead, model it: "I'm sorry you got hurt." Over time, as their brain develops and they see empathy modelled, they will begin apologising spontaneously — and it will be real.

Is hitting a sign that my child will be violent as an adult? No. Hitting in early childhood is a normal developmental phase, not a predictor of future violence. What matters is how we respond to it. Children who receive empathetic, consistent responses learn better regulation over time.

What about hitting back so they "know how it feels"? Never. Dr. Dan Siegel is unequivocal: hitting a child to teach them not to hit is a contradiction that the child's brain cannot resolve. It teaches that the bigger, stronger person gets to use force.

Can LetsShine.app help me manage my reactions when my child hits? Yes. When your child hits and you feel that surge of shame or anger, LetsShine.app offers a space to process those feelings, explore what is behind them, and build a calmer response plan — available any time, including right after a difficult park moment.

My partner responds to hitting by yelling — what should I do? Avoid intervening in the moment, as this can escalate the situation. Later, share what you have learned about the developing brain. Books like No-Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson can be a neutral starting point for the conversation.