Childhood emotional wounds are patterns of psychological pain that originate in the earliest years of life, when a child depends entirely on attachment figures to feel safe, loved, and valued. Lise Bourbeau, a Canadian therapist and author of Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self (2000), proposed a model that classifies these wounds into five universal categories: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal, and injustice. Each wound generates a "mask" — an unconscious defence mechanism the person builds to protect themselves from the original pain — and activates automatically in adult relationships. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, had already demonstrated in the 1960s that early experiences with primary caregivers shape internal working models that determine how we relate to others for the rest of our lives. Bourbeau's framework, though rooted in a humanistic rather than academic tradition, aligns with attachment psychology and with Bessel van der Kolk's research in The Body Keeps the Score, which shows that these wounds live not only in the mind but also in the body.
| Wound | Mask | Core fear | Relationship pattern |
|---|---|---|---|
| Rejection | Withdrawer | "I don't deserve to exist" | Isolating, shrinking, avoiding intimacy |
| Abandonment | Dependent | "I can't make it alone" | Jealousy, control, constant need for attention |
| Humiliation | Masochist | "I'm too much" | Self-sacrifice, shame around personal desires |
| Betrayal | Controller | "I can't trust anyone" | Need to control, difficulty delegating |
| Injustice | Rigid | "I must be perfect" | Emotional coldness, self-demand, intolerance of mistakes |
The rejection wound forms when a child feels that their very existence is unwanted. It does not require explicit rejection: subtle cues — gestures, absences, comparisons — are enough. According to Bourbeau, the person with this wound develops the withdrawer mask: they make themselves small, avoid attention, and in relationships tend to sabotage intimacy before the other person can reject them. Gabor Mate, in In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, describes how this dynamic drives the person to seek external validation compulsively while being convinced they do not deserve it.
In romantic relationships, the rejection wound manifests as a tendency to disappear emotionally when conflict arises, to interpret any criticism as an existential attack, and to choose solitude rather than risk being seen as they truly are.
The abandonment wound emerges when a child experiences — real or perceived — the emotional or physical absence of an attachment figure. Bowlby documented how children separated from their mothers in hospitals developed a pattern of protest, despair, and eventually detachment. In adult life, this wound generates the dependent mask: a person who needs the other's constant presence to feel safe, who interprets personal space as abandonment, and who may become controlling or jealous — not out of malice, but out of terror.
Harville Hendrix, in Getting the Love You Want, explains that the person with an abandonment wound tends to unconsciously choose emotionally distant partners — recreating the original dynamic — with the unconscious hope that this time they will finally receive the love they missed.
The humiliation wound forms when a child is shamed for their bodily, emotional, or sexual needs. Bourbeau notes that this wound is common in families where pleasure was punished, where the body was mocked, or where expressing desires was considered selfish. The masochist mask does not imply enjoying suffering in a clinical sense; rather, it describes a tendency to always put the other's needs first, to carry responsibilities that are not one's own, and to feel guilty whenever doing something for oneself.
In relationships, this wound creates a chronic imbalance: one gives endlessly, the other receives without limit. Peter Levine, in Waking the Tiger, warns that this dynamic can somatise as digestive issues, chronic muscle tension, and fatigue, because the body absorbs the shame that the mind does not process.
The betrayal wound appears when a child feels that an attachment figure breaks a promise, lies, or manipulates. Bourbeau describes how this experience generates the controller mask: someone who needs to anticipate every situation, who distrusts by default, and who confuses vigilance with love. Van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score that early betrayal — especially from the very person who should provide safety — is one of the most difficult forms of trauma to resolve, because the brain learns that danger comes precisely from where security should originate.
In relationships, the person with a betrayal wound often creates self-fulfilling prophecies: their control suffocates the other person, the other pulls away, and they interpret that distance as yet another betrayal confirming their belief that nobody can be trusted.
The injustice wound forms in families where demands were disproportionate, where rewards and punishments followed no comprehensible logic, or where the child felt the rules were arbitrary. Bourbeau describes the rigid mask: someone who demands perfection from themselves, who suppresses "weak" emotions (sadness, fear, vulnerability), and who measures love in terms of fairness and reciprocity.
In relationships, this wound translates into keeping score — "I did this, so you should do that" — difficulty asking for help, and an emotional coldness that does not reflect a lack of love but rather a terror of appearing vulnerable. Gabor Mate notes that this rigidity is a form of functional dissociation: the person feels, but has learned that feeling is dangerous.
According to Bourbeau, every person carries all five wounds to varying degrees, but one or two are usually dominant. Some clues to identify yours:
Harville Hendrix adds a revealing indicator: notice which of your partner's behaviours trigger a disproportionate emotional reaction in you. That reaction speaks less about what your partner is doing and more about the wound it touches.
Yes. Bourbeau proposes a four-phase process: recognise the wound, accept that it exists without judging it, observe the mask in action, and gradually choose a different response. Van der Kolk insists this process cannot be purely cognitive: the body needs to participate, through movement, breathwork, yoga, or somatic therapies such as Peter Levine's Somatic Experiencing.
At LetsShine.app, we approach emotional wounds as emotional archaeology: layers of experience that accumulated before you had words to name them. The goal is not to blame your parents but to understand what happened so you can choose how you act today.
Wounds do not disappear. But they stop controlling you when you look at them head-on, with compassion and without haste.
Bourbeau's model is experiential and therapeutic, not academic. However, her categories align with Bowlby's attachment theory, Van der Kolk's trauma research, and humanistic psychology. Its value lies in its clinical usefulness: it helps people name what they feel.
Yes. Bourbeau states that everyone carries all five to different degrees. Typically one or two are dominant and the rest activate in specific contexts.
Yes. Gabor Mate and Bowlby agree that attachment patterns are transmitted intergenerationally. A parent with an unresolved abandonment wound can paradoxically generate the same wound in their child.
There is no fixed timeline. It depends on the wound's depth, the support available, and the person's willingness. What matters is not speed but direction: every conscious step counts.
LetsShine.app uses artificial intelligence to analyse your emotional and relational patterns, helping you identify which wounds activate most frequently and in which contexts. It does not replace therapy, but it offers a safe space to begin your emotional archaeology.
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